I am no fan of "reality" television. In the past ten years, Michelle and I have watched the second season of "Survivor" and a couple of the "American Idol" seasons, but as far as that genre goes, that's about it. So, when tabloids began reporting the marital problems of Jon and Kate Gosselin, of the reality TV show Jon & Kate Plus 8, I wondered why it was such big news.
In my research on the hit TLC series, Jon & Kate Plus 8, I learned it has had five seasons and the most recent season premiere achieved a 9.8 ratings share, which is huge for a cable network. I knew the show featured the lives of Jon and Kate Gosselin and their eight children: a set of twins, age eight, and a set of sextuplets who are five years old. However, until recently, I didn't know the couple lived about an hour from me and their sextuplets were born at Hershey Medical Center. So, when the rumors began circulating about the Gosselin's marital problems, I started to take a little more interest since this was a local story and I knew people in my church watched the show.
On an episode that aired this past Monday, June 22nd, the couple confirmed they were having problems in their marriage and would be legally separating. However, that episode was recorded about a month before it aired, so it was reported on the show that the couple actually filed for divorce that day, June 22nd.
While I could care less about Jon & Kate Plus 8, I care about Jon and Kate Gosselin and their eight children. I do not know these people, what they have done in life, or what is in their hearts. So, my comments here are not intended to stand on some moral high ground and cast stones at the Gosselins. However, whether it is fair or not, the Gosselins made themselves public figures, and subsequently, their marriage, children and parental skills have become the subject of national discussion. Therefore, I would like to comment on three pitfalls of marriage that many couples, like the Gosselins, fall into today.
Pitfall #1: The Need for Children Becomes Greater Than Loving One's Spouse
Notice I did not say the "want" for children, or the "desire" for them. I purposefully wrote the "need" for children. As one half of an infertile couple, I understand firsthand the heartbreak of not being able to have children. Couples who choose not to have children may have different feelings about the matter, but I can tell you that is very difficult when the choice is made for you. Couples who deal with infertility face the decisions of trying fertility treatments, adoption, or remain childless. It is amazing how others want to make the decision for you when they find out you cannot conceive - how they think it is so easy to just flip a switch and go from learning that you cannot have children to automatically assuming that you will do whatever it takes to getting one. Well, I can tell you, as far as Michelle and I are concerned, it is not that easy.
As a pastor, I deal regularly with couples experiencing problems in their marriages, and one I encounter frequently is children taking priority over the marriage. Now, I understand when children are young they will command a great deal of their parent's energies and attention. There will be changes to the family dynamic that will challenge the husband and wife's intimacy and ability to spend time together. However, this is no excuse for diminishing your spouse. One of the best things I remember my father telling my brother and me is that while he loved us both deeply, he would always love our mother more and that's the way it should be! From what little I know of Jon and Kate Gosselin, it appears they had the opposite perspective on marriage.
Jon and Kate were in their early to mid-twenties when they married in 1999. It was less than one year later that Kate underwent fertility treatments which caused her to become pregnant with twins. Think about that - in just a year's time, the couple went from becoming husband and wife, to facing the challenges of infertility, to adjusting to life with twins. Then, four years later, they underwent treatment again and became pregnant with six! I applaud the Gosselins for not selectively aborting some of their fetuses when given the opportunity. However, why are so many married couples, like the Gosselins, so ambitious for children and will do whatever it takes to get them? This leads to a second pitfall of marriage...
Pitfall #2: Not Realizing When A Family Begins
Over the years, Michelle and I have been asked regularly when we are going to start a family. Originally, I probably said something "spiritual" or sanctimonious like, "in God's time." However, my answer now is that we started our family on August 7, 1993; we just haven't added any children to it.
Family begins with the husband and wife. If more couples understood this reality, it would transform their marriages. When a couple makes it their primary ambition and priority to have children, the marriage will fail. That does not mean they will divorce, but more often than not, it will mean that when their children are out of the house, they will likely be left with an empty and unfilled marriage.
Parents who understand that their first responsibility is to their spouses and not their children, will not only transform their marriages, but will also become better parents. A happy household is when mom and dad love one another and are examples of a committed, loving relationship to their children. Children are most blessed, not when they are the center of attention, but when they witness the love and commitment their parents have for each other and that is celebrated in the family dynamic. Abraham Lincoln said it well, "The greatest gift a father can give to his children, is to love their mother."
To anyone who is married, or considering marriage, the decision to have children should not be to fulfill some selfish need for validation or to leave a legacy, but rather it should be the celebration of the love the husband and wife have for one another.
Pitfall #3: Personal Ambitions Defining Personal Happiness
I do not know what motivated the Gosselins to agree to have their lives invaded by television crews and allow millions of people to watch them live their lives - perhaps it was financial. I mean seriously, how does one feed eight kids? Maybe it started out simply as a human interest story and then the allure of fame and fortune became too much. I don't know, like I said, I don't know these people. However, I do know people who allow work, career, education, money, etc, to become the most important thing in their lives. No longer are they primarily interested in taking care of their families and providing financial security for them, but they neglect them in order to get something that appears to be more satisfying.
If I have sounded judgmental of Jon and Kate Gosselin, I apologize. My heart breaks for them and I hope they can find peace and reconciliation. However, the sadness of this story is that it appears a ten-year marriage will be dissolved and that eight children will have to split time with the two people who love them most in this world, rather than celebrate their family under one roof.
Is it too late for Jon and Kate Gosselin to reconcile and save their marriage? Due to their filing for divorce this past Monday, it appears that way. However, I hope that I am proven wrong and hear that they are able to reconcile and have a fulfilling life together, with their eight children. What troubles me most about this situation, is many seem more concerned with Jon & Kate Plus Eight than they are with Jon and Kate Gosselin and their eight children. Maybe, that's what the problem was all along.
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